My name is Pam, and I'm a total deadbeat. I haven't blogged in 24 days. I haven't run in 29 days. I feel like I've lost control over my own life with no end in sight. All I do is work and sleep. I spent a week in NY, a week in CA, and now I'm home but commuting to MD for the next 5 days. I was sick for one of those weeks, I crashed and burned on the GRE last week, and of course there was that incident where I totaled my car. At last check I was 20 pounds above where I feel comfortable.
Everything seems to be coming unglued. I don't know what to say or what to do. I feel completely derailed. All those goals I had for 2012...they seem so foolish now. Another marathon? Running 1,000 miles? Training with CAR? Puh-lease. I'm registered for a 5k this coming weekend. I don't want to do it. What is the point? I'll only embarrass myself. If my family wasn't coming to run it, I think I'd just bail.
I want so badly to be the busy but optimistic person I was a month ago. I don't know where she went or how to get her back. Now I'm just overextended and depressed. I'd ask for help, but what can anyone do? Not work for me. Not run for me. Not clean for me. Not anything. It is all on me. No pressure, right? The more I think about all the ways I'm letting myself down, the more overwhelmed I get, and the more I do nothing.
I don't expect much feedback on this post, to be honest. I've noticed that the more personal I get on here, the more it seems that I alienate anyone reading. I'm as vain as the next person and comments mean so much to me. It isn't often that I feel heard or validated. Maybe in the next week or so something will give and I'll start to come out of this. Just seems like once one stressful event passes, there are two more waiting right behind it.
I apologize for not having read your blogs, friends. I miss hearing how you are and what you're up to. In this state, it is almost too hard to read about how your training is going and what your latest run was like. It is a flaw of mine, not capable of being happy for others without comparing my life to theirs. Just add it to the long list of things I should be working on. I'll wrap this up, although I'm sure you stopped reading ages ago. If you have a moment, a little love would go a long way. Please comment here or stop by my page on Facebook. Thank you.